Mary Makes Babies

Grief and Hope

I hate having to share this update. It's not the one I had hoped to write. My head has been full of double rainbow baby dreams. As nervous as I was, I really felt like this was meant to be - having twins I mean.

But Baby B (we called her Bebe) stopped growing about 2 weeks ago. By the time we had our scan she was gone. No heartbeat. No hope. She's faded away - a vanishing twin. Her loss brings my angel baby count up to five. FIVE. How can that be possible? It just doesn't seem fair that one person should have to lose so many babies. I know it's even worse for some people, and that it could be worse for me. Every time I look at C, or feel his warm little cheek against mine I remember what a miracle he is. But still, the losses hurt. A lot.

While I cried for Bebe the ultrasound showed us images of Baby A (who we call Niji) kicking and waving her tiny arms. She's big and strong and healthy looking. I should feel relieved for Niji, but losing Bebe has stolen my confidence. I find myself over-reacting to every gas bubble or muscle spasm. I'm terrified of losing them both.

We go back in two weeks for another scan - during which our doctor will look for clues that could indicate birth defects, genetic abnormalities, or anything that would lead us to believe that the baby was, as our doctor put it, incompatible with life. He said that with anyone else he would gladly assume that Baby A is rock solid - but our history makes him more cautious about choosing optimism.

That's not to say that he is unkind or unhopeful. He's neither, really. He just wants me to understand exactly what kinds of risks we have ahead of us, because of course, nothing is guaranteed. No-one has to tell me that. The sentiment is pretty much tattooed on my heart at this point. NO PROMISES.

It's awfully hard to know how to feel right now. I'm absolutely depressed, but I'm not hysterical. I think the responsibility I feel to keeping even-keeled for Niji's sake is stopping me from completely losing it. But it's hard to get out of bed, or to care much about feeding myself or focus on the positive. I wish I could take Niji's health for the miracle that it most likely is, but my thoughts just keep drifting to a tragic outcome. I'm scared again - and I hate being scared.

What does give me hope is Niji's uncanny ability to make her presence known. It makes me hope that maybe she's just like her big brother - determined to be here. Last night I was laying in bed, waiting for sleep and letting my grief carry me away for a few precious moments. Suddenly I felt a familiar sensation spinning in my belly - like a goldfish flipping over and over. It was like she was saying "MAMA!! I'M HERE!!! ARE YOU WATCHING??!!"

I see you, little one, and I love you. I hope I get to meet you. I hope I get to keep you. I'm sorry you lost your sister. I miss her too.

Baby Niji waving hello

What the Psychic Said

My best friend back home believes in psychics. She even has her own personal favorite - a medium she has been seeing for many years who she trusts completely. While I have never been to see this person myself, she knows all about me, and my life has come up during their sessions a few times over the years.

Early on in my pregnancy with CC we had a close call due to a blood clot showing up in my uterus. I remember being horror stricken the morning I discovered that I was bleeding, and then struggling to keep a positive attitude after being put on bed rest and told to prepare for the worst. It was just a little while later that my best friend went to see her psychic. She was worried about me and about the baby, and her medium picked up on it quickly.

"Who is Mary?", she asked.

"That's my best friend.", said Melissa.

"She's pregnant. Isn't she?"

"Yes. Is she gonna be OK?"

"She and the baby will be fine. But you need to tell her to keep her feet up. That's important. You'll tell her, right?"

"Yes, I'll tell her."

"The baby will come fast. I see it shooting through a tunnel - REALLY fast."

When Melissa told me all this and I wasn't sure what to make of it - but I started putting my feet up anyway. By the end of my pregnancy we discovered that I was suffering from high blood pressure. Despite this being my first pregnancy CC did indeed come fast. I was pushing within minutes of reaching the birth center.

Later, we found out that CC had fetal cord restriction due to my blood pressure problems. He was born tiny but healthy - but we might not have been so lucky. It's a good thing I put my feet up. It's a classic piece of advice for blood pressure problems. 

This past weekend Melissa went to see the very same psychic and when I came up this time she offered more advice. She said that one of the babies was hiding right now (but she wasn't exactly sure what that meant) and that I need to stay calm, stay relaxed, and watch my blood pressure. All of those things are kind of givens, but her last bit of advice was nice and mysterious - just like the feet thing. 

She said that I need to sit down and sing to the babies. If there ends up being a medical explanation for this advice I will be pretty amazed. But either way, it can't hurt to give it a try right?

I'm also doing as much as I can think of to keep my stress levels low. I've even been hiding out at my parents house for the past few days. They have a giant bath tub, home cooked meals, plenty of CC distraction, a really comfortable guest bed and most importantly, no crazy dog to wrangle, piles of laundry to fold, or messy house to contend with. I will have to eventually go back home, but I'm not looking forward to it all that much. If they lived within a reasonable distance to his preschool I think I'd never leave.

My everyday strategy is to just drop anything that makes my heart race like it's a hot potato. Topics, situations, tasks, people... For now, the only things that I'm allowing myself to really care deeply about are my kids. I'd worry about that being selfish, but I'm not allowing myself to. 

It's an interesting experiment for me - as it definitely goes against my usual habits. I'm used to buzzing around like a bee, worrying about deadlines and people's feelings, and that sort of thing. Not to mention the constant stress many of us have been under for the past year - just waiting for the sky to fall or for our society to crumble. I should probably block Facebook from my computer and phone if I REALLY want to cut stress. CNN news alerts too. 

I hate to be that person with my head in the sand, but if that's what it takes to get these two babies into the world, then so be it. Just call me Mama Ostrich.

Any other good ideas for lowering stress? I think spending more time outside might help, and perhaps unplugging my phone more often. What do you do to relax your mind and body? Kindly leave some wisdom in the comments.

Eight Weeks Down

I had my eight week scan this morning. It was my first time back to my maternal fetal specialist since the last loss, which was, as expected, pretty nerve wracking. Just being in a place where I've lost three babies brought back all kinds of feelings and memories - none of which I enjoy digging up. Waiting for the ultrasound was pretty much torture. By the time the nurse found the second heartbeat I was in tears. Despite the relief of seeing both babies intact I just couldn't shake the fear I was feeling.

I had to run to the bathroom, between the outside and the inside scan. (Full bladders and internal ultrasounds don't mix.) My steps were shaky. My head was dizzy. I cried some more.

Later, my doctor came in to go over the scan's results. It was sort of a good news - bad news discussion. We'll start with good news. Both twins had heartbeats. Both twins are in there right now safe and sound.

That's not all. I found out that the twins are the lowest risk variety - fraternal D-type wins. That means they are each in their own yolk sac and developing their own individual placentas. That means that if something were to happen to one twin (at least at this point) it would not affect the safety of the other.

More good news: The larger of the two babies looks perfect. Baby A, who we have been calling Niji (Japanese for rainbow) is measuring at 7 weeks and 5 days, which is right on target for the 8 week point. My doctor told me that Baby A has a 99% chance of success from this point on. Those are pretty wonderful odds to hear - although part of me struggles to find comfort in the number when I've seen things go wrong even after this point.

The bad news is that Baby B, who we have been calling Bebe, has a lower chance of success. He is measuring at 7 weeks 3 days, which is just on the low end of the target growth wise. His heartbeat sounded strong and was close to the rate of Baby A, but between his smaller size, smaller sac, and general statistics, my doctor wanted me to understand that this baby still might not stick. There is a 15% chance that sometime within the next three weeks Baby B will fade away due to something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. 

Our next big scan is scheduled for November 30. By then, Baby B will have either caught up or checked out. My doctor's advice was to try and relax, accept that this is out of my hands, and see what happens next. It's good advice, but easier said than done!

As easy as it would be to focus on that 15% chance of failure for Baby B, I'm going to try and keep that other 85% in my heart while we wait for the next scan. It's going to be a very long 3 weeks, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive, keep it cool, and rest both my mind and my body as much as I can.

If everything goes right, and both babies are still a-ok on the 30th, I'll get a whole special laundry list of instructions and restrictions for twin pregnancy. My doctor decided that we didn't need to get into it for now - as it is apparently quite a lot to take in. 

I was grateful to put that off. Anything potentially stressful is not super welcome right now. My emotional skin is just about as thin as possible right now. Tears come easy - both happy and sad. I'm so tired most days that I can barely function. Headaches, body aches, heartburn, and a whole bunch of really fun digestive issues are also making life interesting right now.

If there's anything I've learned so far from being pregnant with twins it is the value of regularity. 

I'll check in with y'all again soon. If I crack under the anxiety and get a scan between now and the 30th, I'll be sure and let you know what happens. I'm rooting for Baby B. Thanks for doing the same.

Babies.

I held my breath as the scan began. Our nurse wiggled the doppler around to reveal a great big yolk sac with a tiny little bean shape inside. 

"The baby looks great!", she says.

For a split second I feel two things - happiness that this first baby is still healthy, and devastation over not seeing the second. 

"Oops.", she says. "The BABIES look great."

"Babies?!", I gasp - almost not daring to believe it.

"Babies.", she smiles, as she wiggles the doppler around to reveal the second little one.

There are two little babies in there and they both measured within normal limits and had nice sounding heartbeats. I am officially pregnant with twins. There's no halfway, no 1.5, no downplaying the miracle taking place in my midsection.

Of course, we are not out of the woods by a long shot. At 7 weeks we have at least another 7 to go before I will start feeling secure that these two little blueberries are sticking around. I'm hopeful though, and as long as I can lay my eyes on them once a week until they get nice and sturdy, I think I'll be able to make it through the first trimester with my sanity mostly intact. 

I can't say the same for my digestive system! But it's a small price to pay for the double rainbow dangling in front of me. If this really happens, I will feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Come on babies!!! You can do it!!!

Double the Fun

I've been dragging my feet about writing this post. I spent the last week or so just trying to process what I'm about to share, and then decided to keep the news close to the vest until I was sure it was really happening.  

But over the past six days so many feelings have bubbled up inside this heart of mine that I feel in danger of explosion if some of the pressure isn't vented off. So here goes.

I'm pregnant... with TWINS.

I had my six week viability scan last Friday and was treated to the surreal sight of TWO gestational sacs. While I can't say I was completely surprised, I was still shocked - if that makes any sense. So far, this pregnancy has been the most intense I have ever experienced. I am sick. I am tired. I have a rash. My digestive system has gone on strike. I am either starving or close to puking at all times and I can barely stay awake. It's crazy, but easily explained by the fact that my body is pumping twice the usual amount of HCG into my system.

Last week one of the babies measured right up to date and had a nice clear heartbeat. The other was in a smaller sac that was too close to the uterus wall to get a good look or a good listen. The nurse explained to me that sometimes that smaller baby will catch up and sometimes it won't. We'll find out tomorrow how my little short stack did this week. As scary as twins are in some ways, I want both babies - more than I could ever express in words. I'm trying to be realistic and not get carried away by the idea of twins, but it's hard. I love them both already. I can't help it.

I guess that's why I have been dragging my feet about sharing the news. I had it in my head that I didn't know if it really was twins yet. I've been under-selling it to myself. I'm pregnant, with POSSIBLE twins. I'm pregnant, with 1.5 babies, etc. 

But the truth is I am very much pregnant with twins. My body knows this, and is acting accordingly. The question, as always, is whether I will stay pregnant with twins, or pregnant at all. 

I didn't think it was possible to worry about a pregnancy more than I already was - but now there are two little sparks taking hold of my heart, two little blueberry sized babies that I am one hundred percent in love with despite all my attempts at caution.

I want these babies. I want them so much it hurts.

I'll know more tomorrow. How I will survive the wait is hard to tell. 

Think sticky thoughts friends, and send help. I have never been so tired in my entire life.