Mary Makes Babies

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I have a million things to do today but every inch of me wants nothing more than to curl up in my bed and go to sleep. Lately I've been passing out around eight o' clock every night while putting CC to bed, then sleeping like the dead for a good ten or eleven hours. I'll wake with a burst of energy, but by the afternoon it is spent and I find myself slogging along until bedtime. 

I was hoping that this abundance of sleepiness was due to pregnancy, but this morning's test disproved the theory. Our OIT failed, which means I am in for another round of treatments if I want to keep trying. 

I do, but guys, I'm so tired. I'm bone tired. Soul tired. Every little joint and muscle sore tired.

I haven't talked to the fertility specialist yet, but I'm wondering if they'll increase my Femara dosage on the next round. More eggs would mean more chances, and this past month my body only made one that measured up. Of course, that would also increase the risk for multiples - an idea that used to thrill me, but now seems super scary, given the additional layers of risk carrying twins would produce. 

So the chemistry is one factor. Another, of course, is stress. I don't know how to reduce it at this point, but I am sure that all my mixed up emotions aren't helping me get pregnant. I find myself defending my mental health more aggressively these days. When someone makes my heart race I am quicker than I used to be in shutting them down or walking away. But no matter how good I get at fending off outside aggressors, it's the battle within my own heart that takes the largest toll.

Sometimes it feels like the emotional aspect of all this has been numbed - like my circuits were so overloaded with grief and worry and stress that I'm no longer able to process or release any of it. It just sits there on my chest, pushing me back into bed and muddling my everyday thoughts.

My escape is work, and I have a tendency to load up my tray like a compulsive over-eater set loose at The Golden Corral. Just point me toward that chocolate fountain, y'all. 

My body inevitably gives out on me while I am working to accomplish all that I've taken on. The ambient stress of juggling multiple jobs, numerous projects, and hovering deadlines is probably hurting more than helping. But without work to do, I'm in danger of focusing on the things that really shake me up. I guess I'm worried that if I ever slow down the grief will catch me. 

Meanwhile, my house is eternally messy. The dishes permanently live in the sink instead of the cabinets. Laundry piles up in mountain ranges. Our puppy gets wilder by the day, and I wonder how anybody keeps up with the domestic side of things while holding down a job of any kind. I forever have too much to do.

It's in these kinds of moments that I doubt this endeavor the most. Maybe the voice of doubt is right, and I couldn't handle another baby anyway. Maybe I need to stop being greedy and just accept the one beautiful child I've been given and throw in the towel for number two.

But then I look at CC and realize how quickly he is growing up, and I feel a pain deep in my guts telling me that I'm just not ready for this chapter of my life, the one where I am Mama to tiny little people, to be over yet. 

How can I explain to anyone that despite everything bad that has happened in the past two years, the three years I've had with CC are the best of my entire life? Is it so wrong that I want it to last a little longer? That I want to be Mama again and again and fill my house with loud, messy, exhausting children who need my attentions twenty four hours a day?

No chocolate fountain could every replace that. No book deal. No brand sponsorship. No amount of page views or IG followers, or contributor assignment could ever compare with the joy of waking up to a smiling baby. 

So we'll keep going. For now.

Progesterone Blues

I hate taking progesterone.

Of all the things I am willing to choke down, give up, or be injected with, progesterone is probably the thing I loathe most. I don't have many safe spaces in which to complain about such things, so this blog will have to do.

I've taken progesterone before - in fact it was the very prescription that tipped me past my breaking point and propelled me into pursuing adoption. At that point, I just couldn't take one more month of crippling depression, absent-mindedness, waves of nausea, throbbing migraines, and tender breasts.

I don't know if this stuff effects all women this way, but my mind and body take a real beating every time I take it. What's worse, is that the symptoms feel worse every month that I continue to take it - adding another layer of woe to that whole negative pregnancy test moment. Knowing I will have to do this to myself again next month is pretty discouraging.

Of course, I'm sort of in for it either way. If I DO get pregnant, I'm stuck taking this stuff until the placenta takes over progesterone production in the second trimester. Right now, while I'm sitting here feeling like a puke-happy tornado with multiple personality disorder and chronic memory loss I wonder how I will cope with spending an entire trimester this way. That is, if I'm lucky enough to make it through a whole trimester.

I don't know how many times I can bemoan having to go through this again, especially knowing that at the end of the day it was my choice to do so, but the last few days have been really hard. I didn't want to do this again. As much as I want another baby, the whole pregnancy adventure just feels like it's more than I can take. 

Will this be the last try?

Am I going to give up on this if that test comes up negative next week? Or if I end up losing the baby later on?

For the most part I feel like I'm doing a pretty fair job keeping myself from obsessing. I don't pay attention to every little cramp or bit of bloating. I've learned by now that progesterone can make your body feel pregnant even when it's not. I've also learned that any control I imagined myself to have over all of this was an illusion.

We have picked yet another number in the big egg lottery that is my reproductive system. No refunds. No guarantees. 

Tomorrow I will get up and take C to his first day of his new preschool. I will spend the day surrounded by cute little kids as I learn the jobs that will be required of me during my once monthly parent-on-duty day. I will battle through depression that makes it hard to focus or even stand up. I will hold in my feelings of seasickness and try my best to hide how my entire body is exhausted, sore, and itchy (yup, even my skin hates progesterone).

I'll go home, pop my kid in front of an episode (or twenty) of Paw Patrol and try to finish a blog post by tomorrow's deadline. I'll lose my patience with my son, with my husband, with the dog, and the world, and myself, and I'll wonder how I'm ever going to make it to the next day.

But in between the bouts of sickness there will be short bursts of joy, little doses of love, and moments where my little boy will crack me up or blow my mind with his incredible view of the world. And I'll know that there is nothing I wouldn't do to have him in my life. And that there's nothing I wouldn't do to have his sister or brother here with us too. 

But progesterone. I'm telling you that this stuff is the devil.

On a less dramatic note - any mamas out there notice a difference between generic progesterone and prometrium? I wonder if the side effects would be any more tolerable with the big brand. I know the actives are the same, but the fillers are not. Maybe I'm sensitive to something in the fillers? I might be stuck with the depression and nausea but maybe I could at least stop feeling so sore and itchy. My cervix hurts. For real. Something has got to give.

Adoption, Surrogacy, IVF, Egg Donation, and More: A Guide to Infertility Alternatives

Disclosure: This guest post is sponsored by Donor Egg Bank USA

Recently I was contacted by Heidi Hayes, the CEO of Donor Egg Bank USA, a service that helps parents grow their families using donated eggs. Heidi offered to share some insight into some of the most well-known alternatives to natural conception. I thought this information could be helpful for some of my readers, especially those who struggle with infertility and are looking into their options.

A little about Heidi - Heidi Hayes is the CEO of Donor Egg Bank USA. She has more than 20 years of healthcare experience and has worked extensively in the field of reproductive endocrinology. Having been unsuccessful at traditional IUI and IVF treatments, Heidi personally understands the struggles of infertility. After many years of trying to conceive, she ultimately built her family through adoption and donor egg treatment. She always believed that if she didn't give up, her ultimate goal of becoming a parent would someday become a reality.

Adoption, Surrogacy, IVF, Egg Donation, and More: A Guide to Infertility Alternatives
by Heidi Hayes

If you have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, or have recently been diagnosed with infertility, it can be a devastating blow. Your vision of the future, your plans of a happy family might seem like they are slipping out of reach. However, there are a lot of other possibilities to consider. Intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), adoption, surrogacy or egg donation are all options available to you, and depending on your personal circumstance, they may even be the perfect solution. In this infertility guide, we will look at several alternative fertility options, any one of which might be right for you. Don’t give up on your dreams. The grief, the anxiety, the disappointment you have been coping with can have a happy ending after all.

IUI or IVF: What’s the difference?

Intrauterine insemination, or IUI, could be right for you if your partner has a low sperm count or decreased sperm mobility, or if you suffer from certain cervical problems, including scar tissue, that may inhibit the sperm’s ability to get where it needs to be. The IUI process is significantly less expensive and invasive than IVF, but may not be right for you if you have moderate to severe endometriosis, a history of pelvic infection, or disease of the fallopian tubes.

In-vitro fertilization, or IVF, is a much more complex procedure. It involves retrieving eggs (which can be yours, or from a donor) from the ovaries and fertilizing them in a lab, then transferring the resulting embryo(s) to the uterus. You might be a candidate for IVF if you have had your fallopian tubes removed, or if they are blocked or damaged. Genetic disorders, ovulation disorders, uterine fibroids or male factor infertility are reasons that many try IVF. Women who decide to conceive later in life often opt for IVF using donor eggs, as egg viability and the potential for birth defects increases significantly as our bodies age.

The IUI/IVF process

The process for both IUI and IVF begins with a course of fertility medications that stimulate egg production. You will need to undergo a variety of tests, some to determine your uterine health, and later on to ensure the uterine wall is ready to support a pregnancy. If you opt to use your own eggs for IVF, you will need to take medication to increase egg production and go through an egg retrieval procedure, during which eggs are taken from your ovaries to be fertilized in the lab. If you are receiving eggs from a fresh donor (meaning a friend, relative or qualified donor), you will both need to undergo hormone treatments to align your cycles so your body will be ready to accept the embryo at the same time the donor is ready for retrieval. The transfer is usually done about three to five days after the extraction and fertilization, barring any complications.  

Using frozen donor eggs

Using frozen donor eggs is a popular choice among women who opt for IVF. This allows you to choose a donor from a pre-screened database of options. Unlike with fresh donor cycles, frozen donor databases offer donors from all parts of the country, meaning there is a wide variety to choose from. Frozen donor egg banks work in much the same way as a sperm bank. One of the attractive aspects for many women is that they don’t have sync their cycles with the donor’s -  you can start your cycle immediately, as soon as your body is ready. It is, essentially, conception on your terms.

Building your family through alternate methods:

Surrogacy

Surrogacy is another viable option for some. Many same-sex couples opt for surrogacy, as do couples or individuals who may have medical issues with getting pregnant. A surrogate can be a member of your family, a good friend or found through a network that screens potential surrogates. Using a surrogate generally means going through an IVF cycle to extract your eggs for fertilization, but depending on your situation, you could also decide to use donor eggs. Your surrogate will have to prepare for the transfer in the same way you would if you were undergoing IUI or IVF yourself. Fertility drugs would be administered to stimulate the body to accept the pregnancy, and then the transfer would take place. Many women and couples develop close relationships with their surrogates and report having a very positive and fulfilling experience through the pregnancy and birth. If you cannot carry a child yourself, a surrogate could be an option.

Adoption

Adoption is another way of building your family, and for women and/or couples who can’t conceive in the traditional way, it is a way to fulfill a lifelong personal dream, and give a child a loving home and family that they wouldn’t otherwise have. There are so many adoption agencies through which you can connect with babies, as well as children of all ages. While adoption may not be right for everybody, it is worth exploring to see if it is a good fit for you.

On raising a child that is not “your own”

The stigma of raising a child that is not biologically related to you is a very real thing. Coming to terms with being unable to conceive and carry a child in the usual way can take some time for individuals and for couples. There may be significant grief over unrequited expectations, as well as struggles to breastfeed and even in naming the baby. Even in the case of IVF using donor eggs, many women have reported a sense of loss over the genetic connection, while some express fear that they won’t be able to bond with the child. In almost all of these cases, the worry goes out the window as soon as they hold their bundle of joy for the first time. Parenthood, after all, is its own reward.

Dead Ends and Impossible Choices

I'm a big fan of the pros and cons list. I love the idea of writing the facts all down on paper and then being able to clearly, decisively select which course of action to follow.

In my imagination, the pros and cons list cuts the emotion out of hardcore decision making like a jedi slicing through an army of drones.

Only, in real life it isn't quite so effective. At least it isn't anymore. Because now every major decision isn't made just for me. It's made for a little boy who I pretty much worship as 3 foot tall deity.

I find myself up against the wall, being forced to choose from a menu of equally imperfect solutions to the insurmountable problems facing us all right now and I just... can't.

I can't do it.

I'm frozen. I'm stuck.

I feel like my feet are glued to the floor while I watch the weeks and months tick by, bringing us all closer to a point where something is going to break.

For the past year I've focused on collecting options. I've been cultivating choices hoping to paint a clear picture of our future following each possible step. It seemed like a great strategy at first, but every possible solution comes packed with so many complications. To have one thing we must sacrifice another.

What's even worse is that almost every choice on the list depends on far too much luck for my taste. There's no safe bet, only a spectrum of risks from which to choose from.

Our latest and most pressing dilemma involves our fertility doctor. I decided to go and have a consultation to see what he'd have to say about helping us conceive again. I met with the same doctor who helped us have CC and we talked through everything that has happened over the past year and what our options would be moving forward.

He recommended following the same protocol we followed to have CC: using Femara to grow viable eggs, and then ovedril to stimulate ovulation. This time we'd follow ovulation with progesterone supplementation and then follow a positive pregnancy test with shots of Lovenox for the duration of the pregnancy. I'd also start adding methylfolate to my existing daily regimen of low dose aspirin, prenatal vitamins, and DHA.

Sounds good, right? But there is a catch. Beside the fact that we really can't afford to pay for treatments right now, my doctor wants me to stop breastfeeding CC so that I can get my levels re-tested before he assigns a dosage for the medications. He's also concerned about posing a risk to CC if he nurses while I'm being treated.

I have so many feelings about this. First off, I know that CC will not want to wean. He is still fully obsessed with nursing and there is a huge emotional attachment assigned to the act. While I know that we would all survive weaning, I feel awful about putting him through that kind of heartache. I really wanted him to wean on his own. Or, if he didn't wean by three I hoped that he would be emotionally prepared for me to wean him myself by then.

So I started Googling and talking to other doctors and caregivers. It looks like all the drugs have fairly short half-lives, which means I could try just going with the dosage I used last time and take breaks from nursing CC instead of completely weaning him. Of course, that would be no picnic, and if we have to go on week-long breaks he might just wean anyway. Can we handle that?

And don't forget that we still haven't solved our financial riddles. Will we end up moving? Where? How? When? Can my body handle making a baby while we go through all the stress accompanying those decisions?

I just don't know. All I know is that I'm not getting any younger, my problems are getting any further away, and the longer I sit on my decisions the less options I will be left with.

It's time to make some tough choices, and take some big chances. How I'll decide which ones to take, I still have no clue. If only I could channel my inner 20-year old, the girl who wasn't afraid to fail or to hurt, the girl who reveled in leaving old lives behind in search for new ones.

Maybe that's the trouble. I don't want to leave this life behind. I like my life. I just want it to be a little easier, maybe a little luckier, and above all else, I want it to involve more babies. If only it were that simple!

Birthday Shmirthday

I turned 35 earlier this week. I'm not usually a big fan of my birthday. Who knows why? What should be a special day to celebrate my life and pamper myself with a little extra care and attention so often turns into a one-woman pity party. I suppose deep down I'm still too mad at myself for the past two miscarriages to extend myself any grace or kindness - even on my birthday.

I made a concerted effort not to spend the day that way. After dropping C at school I treated myself to a smoothie that was prepared by someone other than myself and way too expensive. I had my laptop with me and it was my intention to spend the morning working from either Whole Foods or the smoothie place, but I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. I ended up heading home instead, and after venting my true birthday angst to my best friend over the phone I curled into a ball on my couch and binge-watched MTV soap operas.

It wasn't fun, or relaxing, or in the least bit enjoyable, but I just couldn't seem to muster the energy for anything else. I should have been writing my book. I wanted to clean the house. I thought about visiting my sister and her new baby.

Instead I lay there staring at my iPad watching fictitious teenagers make predictably questionable decisions.

Eventually Scott came home and peeled me off of the couch to go get C from school. We went to the library, and then for ice cream. It was the nicest part of the day and I'm always amazed at how warm and fuzzy it feels to just be together doing something normal.

The rest of the week I've been slow to start, but I'm managing maybe just a little better. I'm off the couch anyway. I've also started searching for a new psychologist. Mine retired about a year and a half ago - right before I got pregnant that first time after having C. It's about time that I found someone new and started getting my head back together.

I'm in such a weird place right now. I'm actively trying to get pregnant because I feel like getting back in the game is the best way for me to move forward.If we're going to keep doing this than let's just do it, right? At the same time I'm dealing with feelings of depression that are pretty much to be expected for someone who just experienced a loss, and I'm experiencing a fair amount of fear and anxiety over the prospect of success.

I want another baby and I know that getting pregnant is the first, essential step. At the same time I'm scared to get pregnant because it means having to go through all of the anxiety and worry that I know will be there from day 1. It's as if my feelings of hope and apprehension are so equal that I'm simply left numb.

I'm dreading the day I have to take a pregnancy test because I know that I don't get to enjoy that moment - even if it's positive. I keep wondering at what point would I ever be able to breath again? Not at 12 weeks, the start of the second trimester. That's when I lost Twoleo. Then when? How will I be able to watch a baby on the ultrasound screen and live with the knowledge that this very real little person might still not make it? How do I do that?

On one hand I feel like I need to just suck it up, square my shoulders and force myself to stay positive. Mothers and babies have overcome worse odds than mine. We can do this. People do this.

On the other hand I feel like I just don't really want to do this anymore. I want another baby, but I don't know if I want to have one this way. Part of me wishes we could skip all this and go right to the part where we choose adoption. That road won't be an easy one for us either, but it's something I've always wanted to do, and it looks better and better the more I think about the reality of getting pregnant again.

And then there's the voice that chastises me for letting all of this take over my life when I have one beautiful little boy already. I have everything I ever wanted right here. Maybe I should just let this go and enjoy what's already been given to me.

Mama Diary: Hello Infertility

Trigger warning: loss, infertility