I had my eight week scan this morning. It was my first time back to my maternal fetal specialist since the last loss, which was, as expected, pretty nerve wracking. Just being in a place where I've lost three babies brought back all kinds of feelings and memories - none of which I enjoy digging up. Waiting for the ultrasound was pretty much torture. By the time the nurse found the second heartbeat I was in tears. Despite the relief of seeing both babies intact I just couldn't shake the fear I was feeling.
I had to run to the bathroom, between the outside and the inside scan. (Full bladders and internal ultrasounds don't mix.) My steps were shaky. My head was dizzy. I cried some more.
Later, my doctor came in to go over the scan's results. It was sort of a good news - bad news discussion. We'll start with good news. Both twins had heartbeats. Both twins are in there right now safe and sound.
That's not all. I found out that the twins are the lowest risk variety - fraternal D-type wins. That means they are each in their own yolk sac and developing their own individual placentas. That means that if something were to happen to one twin (at least at this point) it would not affect the safety of the other.
More good news: The larger of the two babies looks perfect. Baby A, who we have been calling Niji (Japanese for rainbow) is measuring at 7 weeks and 5 days, which is right on target for the 8 week point. My doctor told me that Baby A has a 99% chance of success from this point on. Those are pretty wonderful odds to hear - although part of me struggles to find comfort in the number when I've seen things go wrong even after this point.
The bad news is that Baby B, who we have been calling Bebe, has a lower chance of success. He is measuring at 7 weeks 3 days, which is just on the low end of the target growth wise. His heartbeat sounded strong and was close to the rate of Baby A, but between his smaller size, smaller sac, and general statistics, my doctor wanted me to understand that this baby still might not stick. There is a 15% chance that sometime within the next three weeks Baby B will fade away due to something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome.
Our next big scan is scheduled for November 30. By then, Baby B will have either caught up or checked out. My doctor's advice was to try and relax, accept that this is out of my hands, and see what happens next. It's good advice, but easier said than done!
As easy as it would be to focus on that 15% chance of failure for Baby B, I'm going to try and keep that other 85% in my heart while we wait for the next scan. It's going to be a very long 3 weeks, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive, keep it cool, and rest both my mind and my body as much as I can.
If everything goes right, and both babies are still a-ok on the 30th, I'll get a whole special laundry list of instructions and restrictions for twin pregnancy. My doctor decided that we didn't need to get into it for now - as it is apparently quite a lot to take in.
I was grateful to put that off. Anything potentially stressful is not super welcome right now. My emotional skin is just about as thin as possible right now. Tears come easy - both happy and sad. I'm so tired most days that I can barely function. Headaches, body aches, heartburn, and a whole bunch of really fun digestive issues are also making life interesting right now.
If there's anything I've learned so far from being pregnant with twins it is the value of regularity.
I'll check in with y'all again soon. If I crack under the anxiety and get a scan between now and the 30th, I'll be sure and let you know what happens. I'm rooting for Baby B. Thanks for doing the same.