There was a time when seeing these two little pink lines meant that I was having a baby. Instead, they now mean that I MIGHT have a baby. They could even mean I'll have two. Time will tell. If the last two days between HCG tests have been any indication, time will also be crawling.
In two weeks I'll be seeing my fertility specialist for an ultrasound. They will check for a heartbeat, take a look at the gestational sack and uterine lining. That is, if all goes well. If not, they will poke around for a while, suddenly going from chatty to silent, and then let me know that the doctor will be in soon. I'll swear. I'll cry. The doctor will tell me what I already know, and then I'll make choices about how to proceed.
That's what I'm afraid will happen - two weeks from now, four weeks from now, at any point between now and the birth of a healthy child. For the next however long, I'll be nervous about picking things up, bending over, or any shadow of pain or hint of wetness that I might encounter.
Still, I'm grateful for the chance. I'm grateful for the tiny cluster of cells (or two) that is currently multiplying in my abdomen. I hope it sticks. I hope it becomes a fetus, then a baby, then an infant, a toddler, a child, and tween, teen, adult, parent, grandparent... I have a lot of wishes for the little blob of potential growing in my belly.
I could play the game of let's not get attached, but I know it's a useless fight. I am, and will forever be, attached.
Right now, everything looks good. My HCG is at healthy level and climbing. In fact, I've never seen such a dark line appear on a pregnancy test before. The last two pregnancies had very low HCG early on. The first never climbed high enough to surpass chemical pregnancy. The second climbed super slowly but appeared healthy until it faded away around 7 weeks.
Lots of HCG is good. Very good. Good enough to keep me sane for the next two weeks while I wait for an ultrasound? FAT CHANCE.
Haha. If you need me I'll be climbing the walls.
