The super low feelings I described in my last post continued to pull at me for two weeks following the D&C. I ended up asking my doctor about going on an anti-depressant, and for the first time in my life, chose to medicate for my mental health. I was really nervous about how I would react. My body chemistry sometimes causes unexpected reactions to medication, and having never tried anything like this before I was actually pretty scared that I would be part of the small percentage who become MORE depressed after going on meds.
This was not the case. I took my first dose of generic zoloft before bed and when I woke up it felt like getting out of a hot tub. I uncurled my toes and wiggled my ankles, and for the first time in years nothing creaked or cracked. It was like I had been clenching my whole body and suddenly let go. I'm not going to pretend that this little blue pill solved all of my problems. I still get sad when I think about things that are sad, and I still get nervous about things that make me nervous, but it feels like a layer of pain has been lifted, and that seems like just enough to take the edge off and allow me to function again. In short, I'm really glad I tried this and I plan to continue for a while.
We got our results back from chromosome testing after the D&C. The results showed an abnormality which according to the nurse, could be a fluke or could be a sign of a rare genetic condition. Oh goody. I'll be seeing my maternal fetal specialist next week for "genetic counseling" to find out what that all means.
He also had me tested for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and diabetes, just to cover all our bases.
In the meantime, I have been taking all of my vitamins, supplements, and assorted medications in case we want to try again after my next cycle. I won't fully decide until my meeting with the doctor, but to be totally honest, adoption is looking very appealing right now. Unfortunately, my husband is having doubts about whether or not HE really wants to pursue that path. It's a huge decision, obviously, so I'm doing my best to give him space to think it through.
Still, dealing with all of this uncertainty is tough - as usual. Thankfully, C remains an incredible joy and that (coupled with little blue pills) is giving me the strength to not only endure, but genuinely appreciate what I DO have, even while living with the grief of what I've lost.
XO MH
