I'm a big fan of the pros and cons list. I love the idea of writing the facts all down on paper and then being able to clearly, decisively select which course of action to follow.
In my imagination, the pros and cons list cuts the emotion out of hardcore decision making like a jedi slicing through an army of drones.
Only, in real life it isn't quite so effective. At least it isn't anymore. Because now every major decision isn't made just for me. It's made for a little boy who I pretty much worship as 3 foot tall deity.
I find myself up against the wall, being forced to choose from a menu of equally imperfect solutions to the insurmountable problems facing us all right now and I just... can't.
I can't do it.
I'm frozen. I'm stuck.
I feel like my feet are glued to the floor while I watch the weeks and months tick by, bringing us all closer to a point where something is going to break.
For the past year I've focused on collecting options. I've been cultivating choices hoping to paint a clear picture of our future following each possible step. It seemed like a great strategy at first, but every possible solution comes packed with so many complications. To have one thing we must sacrifice another.
What's even worse is that almost every choice on the list depends on far too much luck for my taste. There's no safe bet, only a spectrum of risks from which to choose from.
Our latest and most pressing dilemma involves our fertility doctor. I decided to go and have a consultation to see what he'd have to say about helping us conceive again. I met with the same doctor who helped us have CC and we talked through everything that has happened over the past year and what our options would be moving forward.
He recommended following the same protocol we followed to have CC: using Femara to grow viable eggs, and then ovedril to stimulate ovulation. This time we'd follow ovulation with progesterone supplementation and then follow a positive pregnancy test with shots of Lovenox for the duration of the pregnancy. I'd also start adding methylfolate to my existing daily regimen of low dose aspirin, prenatal vitamins, and DHA.
Sounds good, right? But there is a catch. Beside the fact that we really can't afford to pay for treatments right now, my doctor wants me to stop breastfeeding CC so that I can get my levels re-tested before he assigns a dosage for the medications. He's also concerned about posing a risk to CC if he nurses while I'm being treated.
I have so many feelings about this. First off, I know that CC will not want to wean. He is still fully obsessed with nursing and there is a huge emotional attachment assigned to the act. While I know that we would all survive weaning, I feel awful about putting him through that kind of heartache. I really wanted him to wean on his own. Or, if he didn't wean by three I hoped that he would be emotionally prepared for me to wean him myself by then.
So I started Googling and talking to other doctors and caregivers. It looks like all the drugs have fairly short half-lives, which means I could try just going with the dosage I used last time and take breaks from nursing CC instead of completely weaning him. Of course, that would be no picnic, and if we have to go on week-long breaks he might just wean anyway. Can we handle that?
And don't forget that we still haven't solved our financial riddles. Will we end up moving? Where? How? When? Can my body handle making a baby while we go through all the stress accompanying those decisions?
I just don't know. All I know is that I'm not getting any younger, my problems are getting any further away, and the longer I sit on my decisions the less options I will be left with.
It's time to make some tough choices, and take some big chances. How I'll decide which ones to take, I still have no clue. If only I could channel my inner 20-year old, the girl who wasn't afraid to fail or to hurt, the girl who reveled in leaving old lives behind in search for new ones.
Maybe that's the trouble. I don't want to leave this life behind. I like my life. I just want it to be a little easier, maybe a little luckier, and above all else, I want it to involve more babies. If only it were that simple!