This is the last week of our second trimester, and to celebrate, I fasted for about 9 hours, then drank ten ounces of neon red glucose water. It claimed to be fruit punch flavored, but if you ask me, it tasted more like Satan's bunghole. Seriously, is it really necessary to inject glucose testing fluid with Red no. 40 and bizzarro flavor compounds? It's bad enough as is.
The bright side of taking my glucose exam was that once cleared, I'd be able to justify that Peanut Butter Cookie Shake from Sonic that I've been dreaming about. I've been gearing up for that little reward for the past six months or so, and this morning it was so close I could taste it.
But then... OHHHHH but then...
My dreams? They came crashing down. You see, I've been itchy lately, REAL itchy. I'll spare you the gory details. Sufficed to say that a good 60% of my body is the color of that glucose screening devil juice, and the epicenters of trouble are UNPLEASANTLY situated.
I don't own a single scented or dyed body product to begin with, so this itch was downright mysterious. What could I be reacting to? In a fit of desperate hippie-ness I tried giving up soap for a week. (FYI, it's a real thing people do, and it's called going "soap-free".) It did nothing. Pine tar soap? Nothing? Healing plant-based oils and butters? NOTHING.
Ten bazillion scratches later I popped over to the birthing center for some help. The first speculation was a case of PUPPS, but upon closer examination I was diagnosed with a fungal infection. Ohhh goody. Apparently my current body chemistry is such that one system or another is bent on over-producing yeast? Maybe I just miss beer a lot.
Thankfully, the midwives came up with a plan to relieve my misery. I'm upping my intake of pro-biotics by adding a daily dose of MegaFood MegaFlora to my ever-growing collection of daily vitamins and supplements. I'm also supposed to increase my kombucha guzzling to a daily rather than bi-weekly thing.
OK, cool. I love me some kombucha. This plan rocks.
Oh, then there's the prescription strength anti-fungal powder, covered in frightening warnings to pregnant people to be applied three times a day to all affected areas (you know, my entire body).
Ugh, but OK, if it will end my pain and if you say it's safe enough...
Oh yeah, and absolutley, positively NO SUGAR. Not even FRUIT. No pasta, no bread, limited grains... (basically an even more intense version of the diet I am already on.)
...and definitely no Peanut Butter Cookie shakes from Sonic.
Well, they can't stop me from LOOKING at ice cream.
One day, you will be mine. OH YES YOU WILL.
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!