I've been dragging my feet about writing this post. I spent the last week or so just trying to process what I'm about to share, and then decided to keep the news close to the vest until I was sure it was really happening.
But over the past six days so many feelings have bubbled up inside this heart of mine that I feel in danger of explosion if some of the pressure isn't vented off. So here goes.
I'm pregnant... with TWINS.
I had my six week viability scan last Friday and was treated to the surreal sight of TWO gestational sacs. While I can't say I was completely surprised, I was still shocked - if that makes any sense. So far, this pregnancy has been the most intense I have ever experienced. I am sick. I am tired. I have a rash. My digestive system has gone on strike. I am either starving or close to puking at all times and I can barely stay awake. It's crazy, but easily explained by the fact that my body is pumping twice the usual amount of HCG into my system.
Last week one of the babies measured right up to date and had a nice clear heartbeat. The other was in a smaller sac that was too close to the uterus wall to get a good look or a good listen. The nurse explained to me that sometimes that smaller baby will catch up and sometimes it won't. We'll find out tomorrow how my little short stack did this week. As scary as twins are in some ways, I want both babies - more than I could ever express in words. I'm trying to be realistic and not get carried away by the idea of twins, but it's hard. I love them both already. I can't help it.
I guess that's why I have been dragging my feet about sharing the news. I had it in my head that I didn't know if it really was twins yet. I've been under-selling it to myself. I'm pregnant, with POSSIBLE twins. I'm pregnant, with 1.5 babies, etc.
But the truth is I am very much pregnant with twins. My body knows this, and is acting accordingly. The question, as always, is whether I will stay pregnant with twins, or pregnant at all.
I didn't think it was possible to worry about a pregnancy more than I already was - but now there are two little sparks taking hold of my heart, two little blueberry sized babies that I am one hundred percent in love with despite all my attempts at caution.
I want these babies. I want them so much it hurts.
I'll know more tomorrow. How I will survive the wait is hard to tell.
Think sticky thoughts friends, and send help. I have never been so tired in my entire life.