Tomorrow is the big day - our 11 week scan, and the moment when we find out whether Baby B has made it past the whole Vanishing Twin Syndrome danger, and whether Baby A is still doing well.
Over the past three weeks my belly has continued to grow and I've been dealing with more and more pregnancy symptoms, so I have reason to be hopeful about tomorrow's scan. I've even been feeling butterflies in the baby zone on and off, which I really hope means the babies are both doing well. Still, it's getting harder and harder to keep from freaking out as we get closer to this appointment.
Eleven weeks is a tough milestone for me anyway. It was sometime between 11 and 12 weeks that we lost Babeleo, my first pregnancy after having CC. That loss was awfully traumatic, and I can't help but re-live some of those feelings while worrying about the babies with me right now. All kinds of dark and gloomy thoughts have been creeping in over that last few days - thoughts filled with doubts and fears.
I keep thinking back to that week. I was so happy to have a baby on the way - thrilled and somewhat scared of having two little ones so close together. Everything was easier back then - at least everything that really mattered, like marriage, and motherhood, and identity. So much fell apart after losing that baby. - probably nothing more than my sense of safety and self-worth, and the two year nightmare of recurrent losses followed.
It's so hard to believe that the nightmare could possibly be over, or that these babies could actually be mine to keep. I want to believe it - so badly, but finding faith and hope is a lot harder than allowing fear to bowl you over.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring some proof to help me through until the next scan, and the next, and the next. Cross your fingers for us, ok? I'll let you know what happens.