We've made it through the first week of pregnancy (that I have actually been aware of) and while I don't want to jinx myself, I have to say I'm feeling good. That is, I'm feeling awful, which I feel great about. Haha.
My HCG levels have been very high and are continuing to climb. I was actually so unused to only having to get TWO quantitive blood tests that I couldn't relax until insisting on doing a third. Each time I've tested at the upper limits of what is normal for a singleton pregnancy which means there is a very real chance that there are two babies in here.
While I would be thrilled to have two babies (really, I would be), I am worried about the added risks that carrying twins would incur. We're already in a rather dicey situation, after all. I have zero control either way, so I am doing my best to just go with the flow and see what happens.
Another thing that makes me suspicious of twins is how sick I am, and how quickly I became so. The hormones hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as we started approaching the two week post-ovulation mark. I am alternating between feeling intensely nauseous and trembling with hunger. Exhaustion hits me constantly. I am crying over Instagram photos and snapping at everyone so much that CC called me out on it last night.
"This is not being loving, Mama. This is being MAD."
Boy, he gets right to the point. I hear you, buddy and I'll try harder to keep my cool from now on.
Scott was a little shocked to hear that I had shared the pregnancy here on my baby blog but had not told anyone in our families yet. I guess I sort of feel like the rules have changed when it comes to us and babies. It's not a secret, but it's not really news yet. I MIGHT have a baby many many many months from now, or I MIGHT have another tragedy on my hands at any day. It's just too much drama for me to wear on my sleeve, I guess.
If it comes up in conversation, or I feel moved to tell someone about it, I do. But I'm not making any big announcements, or even sharing these blog updates to Facebook yet because while I do find value in sharing this story, I don't think I'm ready to talk to the whole wide world about it just yet.
I do feel VERY pregnant though, and surprisingly at peace with everything. At least for now. That last HCG test helped, as do the constant physical reminders of early pregnancy, AND knowing that I am on every possible medication and practicing every reasonable precaution I can be. The rest is simply up to destiny. It's either a healthy combination of genetics or it's not, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to effect its outcome.
Yes, I'm definitely surprised at this level of peace. I expected myself to be a nervous wreck every step of the way. I HAVE had my moments, and no doubt, I will have more, but I think the truth is that I love being pregnant so much that it helps displace the fear and the anxiety to some degree. I can FEEL this baby, more so than the last two, and while I can't put my finger on exactly what makes me say that, it's true.
I love this baby. I don't know how long I will have with him, or if I'll ever get the chance to really know him. But for now, he's here, he's mine, and he's safe. I hope that I can remember those things and enjoy his presence for as long as I am able.
Maybe I'm finally getting to a place where I can believe that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Twoleo, the baby I lost after CC, weighs the heaviest on my heart because he also felt real to me. I loved him, however briefly, and it has been hard to ask myself whether or not I was glad he had been conceived at all.
Today, finally, more than two years after losing him, I think I know the answer. I'm glad that he existed, and that I had the chance to love him, even if it means I'll have to miss him for the rest of my life. Once again, motherhood has taught me to understand the true depth of real love. It exists without reward or expectation. It does not require consent or acknowledgement. Like the spark of life, love comes into being shrouded in mystery and fueled by the sheer determination of mother nature.
To all my babies, here and there, I love you.