I hate taking progesterone.
Of all the things I am willing to choke down, give up, or be injected with, progesterone is probably the thing I loathe most. I don't have many safe spaces in which to complain about such things, so this blog will have to do.
I've taken progesterone before - in fact it was the very prescription that tipped me past my breaking point and propelled me into pursuing adoption. At that point, I just couldn't take one more month of crippling depression, absent-mindedness, waves of nausea, throbbing migraines, and tender breasts.
I don't know if this stuff effects all women this way, but my mind and body take a real beating every time I take it. What's worse, is that the symptoms feel worse every month that I continue to take it - adding another layer of woe to that whole negative pregnancy test moment. Knowing I will have to do this to myself again next month is pretty discouraging.
Of course, I'm sort of in for it either way. If I DO get pregnant, I'm stuck taking this stuff until the placenta takes over progesterone production in the second trimester. Right now, while I'm sitting here feeling like a puke-happy tornado with multiple personality disorder and chronic memory loss I wonder how I will cope with spending an entire trimester this way. That is, if I'm lucky enough to make it through a whole trimester.
I don't know how many times I can bemoan having to go through this again, especially knowing that at the end of the day it was my choice to do so, but the last few days have been really hard. I didn't want to do this again. As much as I want another baby, the whole pregnancy adventure just feels like it's more than I can take.
Will this be the last try?
Am I going to give up on this if that test comes up negative next week? Or if I end up losing the baby later on?
For the most part I feel like I'm doing a pretty fair job keeping myself from obsessing. I don't pay attention to every little cramp or bit of bloating. I've learned by now that progesterone can make your body feel pregnant even when it's not. I've also learned that any control I imagined myself to have over all of this was an illusion.
We have picked yet another number in the big egg lottery that is my reproductive system. No refunds. No guarantees.
Tomorrow I will get up and take C to his first day of his new preschool. I will spend the day surrounded by cute little kids as I learn the jobs that will be required of me during my once monthly parent-on-duty day. I will battle through depression that makes it hard to focus or even stand up. I will hold in my feelings of seasickness and try my best to hide how my entire body is exhausted, sore, and itchy (yup, even my skin hates progesterone).
I'll go home, pop my kid in front of an episode (or twenty) of Paw Patrol and try to finish a blog post by tomorrow's deadline. I'll lose my patience with my son, with my husband, with the dog, and the world, and myself, and I'll wonder how I'm ever going to make it to the next day.
But in between the bouts of sickness there will be short bursts of joy, little doses of love, and moments where my little boy will crack me up or blow my mind with his incredible view of the world. And I'll know that there is nothing I wouldn't do to have him in my life. And that there's nothing I wouldn't do to have his sister or brother here with us too.
But progesterone. I'm telling you that this stuff is the devil.
On a less dramatic note - any mamas out there notice a difference between generic progesterone and prometrium? I wonder if the side effects would be any more tolerable with the big brand. I know the actives are the same, but the fillers are not. Maybe I'm sensitive to something in the fillers? I might be stuck with the depression and nausea but maybe I could at least stop feeling so sore and itchy. My cervix hurts. For real. Something has got to give.