Lately I've been feeling a little trapped. For the most part I love nursing CC. The warmth, the closeness, the sheer snuggliness of it all melts my heart. Breastfeeding feels like this wonderful nurturing thing and I kind of adore it.
Other times it feels like my life force is being sucked out through my nipples. In a word, it's exhausting.
I'm tired of being on call 24/7 - being the only one who can feed him or put him to bed. I'm tired of smelling like sour milk and soaking through my clothes. I'm tired of always ALWAYS feeling hungry. I'm tired of being scratched and pinched and bitten.
Above all, I'm just plain tired. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to run away from it all.
There have been a few times now that I've considered supplementing with formula or even weaning all together. Last time I got close a trip to a local lactation support group got me through. We thought of some good solutions to my pumping problems and they helped get me through the last two months. Then he stopped sleeping and I stopped pumping and here we are again, on the brink of abandoning the boob.
Then I remember that weaning CC isn't likely to be the magic solution I was hoping for. Formula is expensive, and there's no guarantee that CC would even go for it. Besides, I'm scared that as soon as I start supplementing my body will stop producing enough milk, burning enough calories, and balancing my hormones. And what if I'm short-changing CC by cutting him off early?
I have these thoughts and the mean little voice in my head calls me an ungrateful wimp for complaining. Can't I just buck up and stick it out for a while longer? Do it for your baby!
The kind voice in my head reminds me that being a mom is hard, that being a nursing mom is hard, being a stay-home mom is hard, being a working mom is hard, and that I am doing each of these hard things all at once. Maybe it's ok to take one if them off the table.
Trapped and tired and miserable as I might be sometimes nursing still has so much to offer both of us, so I go back and forth about wanting to give it up. I'm not sure what we'll do next, but in the meantime it feels good to vent. Thanks for listening.
Nursing is a beautiful thing and I'm grateful to have been able to do it for the past six months, but my goodness is it ever hard.